My.Sadness.

It's been a long time since I blog. Too lazy to type, perhaps. Alright, I shall keep track of everything that has happen to me since the brand new year. School reopened and the stress monster came back for me again. It must be retribution for enjoying too much in the two months holiday. I'm secondary three now and I long knew this fact would bring me unhappiness. As usual, homework came in piles and I copied almost all my homework. I hated stress and I tried giving everything up. I almost succeeded in it..I wasn't competitive and aggressive anymore. I gave up fighting with others in score. I did not strive for the top position and thought that all the stress I experience was given by myself. The undefeatable spirit I own brought stress to me and in order to keep stress away from me, I stopped pushing mself and allow fate to do everything. I tell myself, as compared to the universe, I was so small.The earth revolves around the sun everyday and day and night comes everyday, does it really matter if i study and get good or bad grades. We are all destinated to die some day, so what if i fail one single subject? I wallowed in degeneration. I thought I would love that kind of life as I always said that i hated being the top but when I realised my marks are dropping and saw others getting first, I came to understand that by doing this I'm hurting myself and my family more. I was jealous but still I did nothing. I got too used to that easy life and couldn't stand back up again. Until now, I'm struggling in the quicksand between success and failure. I thought if I worked hard for it, I could achieve it easily. But no, that wasn't the case, i failed my second physics test and I swear to get a A1 grade for the next test. I studied but I still got a very low mark. Even though, I did not fail but I wasn't that little bit satisfied. Here I am going to say that retribution is here again, to be honest, ever since I began to get first, I took it as granted because I always only worked hard to a certain extent and with my experience I always thought that that would bring me to the top but now..It was not the same anymore. I lost the perseverance and everything I had in myself before. But I knew it was still inside me but I could not find it. Avery good example was my 2.4km run..I always thought that If i had the perseverance, I could do it. But always when my stomach starts to hurt, I gave up.... Why?Why?! Nobody knows, even me. Just when I was going through another darkest period of my life, friendship problems came in. The very problem I planted in the early days and now It has grown to a difficult problem. I've decided to have only a good friend in secondary two and thought that would be more than enough but that again wasn't the case. Evil me delibrately ignored others and indulge between her and me..But when between the two of us had some problem which i guess was also my fault, I thought there were others for me to lean on. I was worng. Those that I neglect had found new true friends. I was left alone. Who could I blame, I was mean in the first place. I was really sorry and decided to mend this broken friendship. I beg myself to stop being so mean and I guess I somehow manage a little. Meanwhile I gave my best friend and I a distance to keep within us, so that I could leave to mend those precious friendships again. I tried slowly and began to mixed with them again..That was that only time that I felt that little happiness again. Sorry to everyone that I've ever wrong and thanks for accepting me again. I got sick very frequently nowadays, must be because I'm gettting too depressed... Getting sick wasn't that bad afterall because it showed me true friendship and kniship. There are still people who care about me after all the means things I did to them...I also found new good friends which I didn't realise while they were there all along....FROM TODAY ONWARDS, I SHALL CHERISH EVERY SINGLE FRIENDSHIP I OWN! (* ^_^ *)

"He who has not looked on Sorrow will never see Joy."